Donald Trump’s Parent-Teacher Conference

Mr. and Mrs. Trump, thank you for coming here today to talk about Donald. You know, kindergarten can be a scary place, but I have to say that Donald is a bright boy and very confident in himself. He’s so adorable when he tells the other children that he has a “good brain.” He loves to play with blocks and he builds tremendous towers and buildings. They are huge. He’s also very funny. He made everyone laugh recently when he said he had a “winning temperament.” Even the children who didn’t know what a “winning temperament” was laughed because they knew Donald was joking.

Donald is having a few adjustment problems, though. He has a hard time getting along with some of the children. There’s a boy in the class who can’t move his arm and Donald sometimes makes fun of him by flopping his own arm around and mimicking the way the  disabled boy moves. And during free play, Donald is uses giant blocks to build what he calls a “big, beautiful wall” around the Mexican children. He tells them they have to pay for his wall, which is very confusing and upsetting to them. It’s true that kids occasionally play rough and sometimes I have to send them to the principal’s office, but please encourage Donald to stop pointing at one area in the room and calling it “hell.” It’s not true or nice.

Donald does have good friends, though. A lot of boys like Donald. And there’s a boy named Vladimir that Donald gets along with well. Maybe he’s mentioned him? Vladimir is a strong boy, and Donald admires him big league. I think Donald wants to be strong like Vladimir, but Vladimir is a bully. He’s mean and sneaky and always expects to get his way. He causes a lot of trouble on the playground, so I don’t want Donald to start mimicking Vladimir’s behavior.

I also want to talk to you about how Donald treats girls. I know that boys his age sometimes think that girls are icky. He’ll probably grow out of it. I mean, he likes to show everyone how big his hands are. Ha ha! It’s so cute. But Donald has a real problem with girls. He calls them terrible names. He says they are pigs, slobs, ugly and fat. He seems to think all the Latina girls are maids. There’s one girl in particular he doesn’t like. Her name is Rosie. He’s always fighting with her and blaming her for “starting it.” This has been going on for so long, I’m getting tired of it, but when I ask him to try to be nicer to girls, he gets defensive and brings up Rosie again.

Donald’s biggest problem, though, is a girl named Hillary. She’s pretty smart, too. And after Show and Tell this week, Donald got upset because all the kids thought that Hillary’s Show and Tell was better than Donald’s. As you know, winning is very important to your son, and if he doesn’t win, he cries. I’m telling you this because in a few weeks, the children are going to vote for a class president. They get to choose between Donald and Hillary. I think that if Donald loses this election, he’s going to blame someone or something because Donald doesn’t believe that anything is ever his fault. He’s already telling the kids that the election is “rigged.” To me, it sounds like he’s making excuses in case he doesn’t win.

This kind of talk bothers me, because this is my class. There are rules in my class and I try to make sure that all the kids obey them. I know my class isn’t perfect, but out of all the other kindergarten classes in the world, I’m proud of mine. As a teacher, I try very hard to make sure that every child has the opportunity to learn and grow and be whatever they want to be. I believe that any child in my class can grow up to be the President of the United States, not just class president. Even a girl.

I’m worried that if Donald loses this class election, he’s going to throw a massive tantrum, and he’s not going to let it go for a long time. This could be very disruptive to my class. I’m already expecting him to sue me.

Young Donald has a lot of potential. He is smart, capable and ambitious. He has the means and opportunity to go far in life. But as his parents, I hope you would also encourage your son to grow up to be a kind, compassionate and fair young man, who is doesn’t think too highly of himself and is considerate of others.

Otherwise, there might come a day when you realize that what Donald really needed was a good spanking.

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