Yesterday, as I ran through the woods, I thought of Bill Watterson’s precocious and uproariously funny 6-year old cartoon philosopher, Calvin, who once said to Hobbes, “That’s the problem with nature, something’s always stinging you or oozing mucous all over you. Let’s go and watch TV.”
I run, hike, bike and love The Great Outdoors, so don’t worry, I’m not replacing fresh air with reruns of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, but I get Calvin’s point. Nature can be messy, painful, and ICKY, as my sister, Pam, used to say. And no matter how much I love to be outdoors, there are certain common creatures that scare me, hurt me, or just plain give me the willies. So here are the 3 most fearsome creatures I never want to meet (again).
- Snakes
Yesterday was such a warm, beautiful, brilliant day, I didn’t think anything could mar my run through the woods until I saw the long, wriggling, gray snake in the middle of the trail and realized that I didn’t have the time or braking power to avoid it, and had to make a long, frightful leap over it. In another split second, I probably would have stepped right on top of it and squished it, so I should be glad that the worst thing that happened is that my body convulsed in fear mid-flight and I looked ridiculous. (Note: this picture is a reenactment. I looked even more ridiculous during the actual event.)
- Skunks
Several years ago, it was still dark as I was running early one morning and saw a shape up ahead on the trail that I thought was a large cat. Surprised that it didn’t slink away as I approached, I was even more surprised to discover that it was not a cat, but a big, fat skunk, that was even more surprised to see me. Since skunks are supposed to be nocturnal, I don’t know how this one managed to miss my thud-footed approach, but by the time it realized that it was about to collide with a heavy-breathing human, it didn’t even have time to lift its infamous tail to defend itself. Again, I leapt over the startled animal and ran as fast as I could, fearing that I might have just offended an abnormally fleet-footed skunk that was going to chase me down and spray me in revenge. Fortunately, my fears were unfounded, because not only did I get home without getting “skunked,” but I also ran the fastest mile of my life.
- Great Black Wasps
You do NOT want to be stung by a Great Black Wasp. I’ve been stung on my calves twice and both times, my leg from my knee to my ankle swelled to the size of an elephant leg and felt so hot and red, I thought my leg was on fire. According to a quick and unscientific Internet search, Great Black Wasps are not usually aggressive and only a female will sting if her subterranean nest is threatened. Believe me, I would never deliberately threaten a Great Black Wasp nest because I never want to see or swat another big, black, lady wasp off my leg again. Those wasp bitches be crazy.
Now that winter is approaching, I will still continue to enjoy running and being outdoors, but if I accidentally provoke a hibernating bear, you’ll definitely hear about it.
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Ann K. Howley is the award-winning author of Confessions of a Do-Gooder Gone Bad.
Please visit her website at http://annkhowley.com/#about-ann