Pat is scaring me.
He has been watching YouTube videos of van people who build their own campervan batteries.
“A lot of people are doing it,” he nonchalantly says, as if it would be no different than making homemade yeast from raisins after watching a Facebook video.
His furrowed brow means he’s serious. He really wants to build a freakin’ battery from scratch.
WHAT?!
Picture the car battery under your hood – that big, heavy box with metal prongs on top that connect to black and red jumper cables when your car doesn’t start. Your car battery not only starts your engine, but makes things like your windows work and your wipers wipe. And every once in a while when your battery “dies,” you pop over to Pep Boys and buy another one. Right?
Well, in a campervan, that battery under the hood only does what it’s supposed to do when you are driving your van. But if you want to have lights, a refrigerator that is not powered by ICE, and outlets to plug in your phone, computer, coffee maker, or other daily #vanlife amenities, you need extra electricity to run things when your engine is turned off. This electrical setup usually includes solar panels installed on the roof that connect to special battery(ies) installed somewhere inside your van, usually under the bed.
These are the batteries that make camping magic, like cold beer, happen.
But the difference is that I don’t think I ever paid more than $100 for a Pep Boys battery, and when you’re talking about installing high quality lithium batteries that connect to hundreds of watts of solar power, you’re talking about thousands of dollars. The electrical system is reputed to be the most expensive part of building a van. Of course, my thrifty hubby is drawn to DIY options.
Which is scaring me!
The reason, I am sorry to say, is because I have a painful history with electricity.
It started when I was about 10 years old and our neighbors across the street had a huge electric toy train set installed in their garage. It was amazing. The miniature towns and buildings had blinking lights, and the trains made adorable choo choo sounds. It was a Lionel fairyland. The only thing our neighbor said to me was:
“DON’T TOUCH IT. YOU WILL GET SHOCKED.”
Now, why would he say something like that and then walk away, leaving a stubborn, curious, prepubescent kid like me alone in his garage?
Dumb.
(Full disclosure: I never told anyone in my family about this incident. So Mum, if you’re reading this, sorry.)
My mother, however, will not be surprised to hear that I could not resist. After peeking around to make sure nobody was looking, I reached out and b-a-r-e-l-y tapped my right pointer finger on the track. As promised, IT SHOCKED ME.
I have no idea how much electricity coursed through my body, but it hurt. And it scared the living bejesus out of me.
Unfortunately, that was not the end of my hapless history with electricity. When I was a junior in high school, I had to take a vocational assessment test that was supposed to help determine what skills or potential I had in various career paths. The only result I remember from that test is that I scored 4 percent on the electrical aptitude portion.
Four percent. OUT OF 100.
MAJOR FAIL.
So basically, my understanding of electricity is the complete opposite of how AC and DC work in the real world, and I have gone through life knowing that I am barely qualified to screw in a lightbulb.
Can you blame me for being nervous about sleeping above a homemade box with a wad of wires that I envision might look like something the feds found under the Unabomber’s bed?
Maybe that’s not fair. Maybe it’s not reasonable for me to fear that if I get near the battery, the van is going to do this:
I wonder if my husband is open to a compromise.
So, Pat, how about this? If you build a battery from scratch, what about hiring an electrician (looking at you, nephew Dominic) to sign off on the battery and the whole electrical system installed in our van? It sure would be nice to be able to sleep at night.
And good news, dear! You won’t have to worry about warm beer.
Thanks for reading! More Paddy Wagon tales to come…
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